Infertility ~ A Collection of My Poems

These are the poems I wrote while in my mid to late 20's, while I wrestled with God and His purpose in ordaining my infertility. By His matchless grace and mercy He caused me to emerge from that refining fire with not only a greater understanding of Him, a deeper confidence in Him, a growing love for Him, but I came to understand and embrace Romans 8:28!

November 1989

February 1990

April 4, 1990

April 25, 1990

August 1990

Infertility ~ God's Refining Fire in My Life

What has God used in your life to 'refine' you? Many of us can point to at least one 'life-changing' or 'life-challenging' event, situation, or circumstance that God has used to teach and shape us, while some of us may currently be in the midst of those times.

For me, it was our struggle with infertility. There are many facets to our story, but the bottom line and end result has been God taught me about His sovereignty, His immutability, His long-suffering, His love, His goodness--His awesomeness. And quite frankly, it still frequently leaves me speechless.

Like recently when I've chatted with sisters-in-Christ who are not only chronologically younger, but spiritually younger. I remind them that what God is doing in their lives right now will be firmly woven into the 'fabric' of who the are in Christ. It's often uncomfortable, and even confusing. But we have the hope--the assurance--that God is at work and will accomplish His will in each of us, for His glory!

I've recently been reminded of how God has 'woven' infertility into who I am today, as I came across a collection of my 'infertility' poems that I wrote almost 20 years ago! Would you believe that the tears still flow freely and heavily as I read those poems? But they're not tears of hopelessness, they are tears from God's child recalling the 'momentary' and 'light affliction' that He brought me through in order to plant my feet solidly on hope and trust in Him!

Before the Lord saved me, I wrote poems mostly when I was considering suicide. Yes, I did consider suicide many times--sadly it was mostly over a relationship with a boy. I can only recall writing maybe one or two 'happy' poems in my life. So, you can understand how deep and dark the valley was when you read my 'infertility' poems--no suicide thoughts, but very deep in the valley.

It's difficult being in the valley, but as you 'age' in Christ you realize that the valley is where Christ makes us more like Him and shows us our utter hopelessness without Him.

I've decided to share my 'infertility' poems here and now for a couple of reasons. First, I want to show other Xian sisters that God does indeed have a purpose in the trials He providentially brings us. Secondly, I hope my 'transparency' will help other Xian sisters to see and realize that my life is not and has not always been 'rosy'! There's such a temptation among Xians to look at others and become discouraged or deluded--thinking that everyone else has it all together, or that they don't struggle. Nothing could be further from the truth! If you see someone whose spiritual life you respect or admire--ask them to tell you about the 'refining fires' they've already walked through. There are many riches that come from the ashes of those fires!

I'll be posting my 'infertility poems' later today in a separate post--I hope you will give God the glory for His refining fire!

Practicing Theology - Mother's Day and barrenness

Update (05/09/07): Imagine my delight (and surprise!) to see that Girl Talk has posted THIS today titled "Infertility and Mother's Day"! I'm always delighted to see other Xian women addressing this topic and encouraging their sisters in the midst of this trial--may God receive all the glory!

This Mother's Day will be only my fifth one as a mother. While I will do as I have always done, I will honor my own mother and remind her how much she is loved and how much I appreciate everything she has done and sacrificed for me, I will also reflect on nineteen earlier Mother's Days when I approached the holiday with much caution and often avoidance.

Please don't jump to the conclusion that I took every opportunity for a "pity-party" while I was childless--I didn't. God kindly granted me the grace to attend and enjoy just about every baby shower I've ever been invited to attend! He also gave me the grace to assist a dear friend during the early hours of labor with her first child--after two miscarriages. So, it is clear to those who know me that while my own heart ached for children, I was not avoiding or "punishing" others who the Lord had graciously and sovereignly blessed.

No, I approach this holiday with caution because of the unwitting pain we in the Church sometimes cause our barren sisters-in-Christ. In many churches this Sunday there will be a literal parade of mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and maybe even great-great-grandmothers. And as obedient and loving Xians we will welcome these people--some of whom rarely attend a house of worship--and proceed to hold them up before the congregation. They'll be asked to stand, or asked how far away they live, how many children they have, how many grandchildren they have, who has the largest family with them, etc.

And if you watch carefully in the pews, you're likely to see at least one, maybe two or three young, and some "not so young", women wipe a tear or two from the corner of her eye--maybe even get up and leave the sanctuary for a brief time. Her husband will likely remain seated--knowing that she'll regain her composure soon and return, but he's found that he's all but helpless during times like these. She'll put on a brave face and cling to God's promises to be her all in all, and she'll remind herself of His complete sovereignty, and how His plans are for her good, but the damage will have been done--the Body of Christ has unwittingly wounded a fellow-believer.

I hope you won't think I'm being harsh or overly dramatic. Although I am no longer childless, I am still very much barren--according to God's sovereign will, for His good purpose--my heart still aches for fellow-sisters. Sisters who often suffer quietly while many around them are held in high honor for something that has come very "naturally" to them, but has been impossible to others--according to God's plan.

So, this Mother's Day, if you know of a childless couple in your congregation I encourage you to call them, send them an email, or talk to them face-to-face. Do as I've done since I'm no longer childless--I seek out the childless couples and ask them if Mother's Day and Father's Day are particularly difficult for them. If it is, I assure them of my prayers for God to work His perfect will in them as they wait on Him.

Sidenote: You may find THIS video to be of interest, it's called "Empty Arms". It doesn't appear to be written from a Xian perspective--no hope or trust in God's plan or purposes--but nonetheless very accurately expresses the emotions of many childless couples.

Infertility ~ My Poems: August 1990

The footnote on this poem reads, "Just found out that the Seminary's (where I worked and hubby was working on his ThM.) new insurance will not cover any infertility medication and treatment..."

Locked Doors & Boarded Up Windows

The door closed, with such finality.
I look for the "window" that all well-meaning Christians pay lip service to.


The window, small and distant.
Only a thread of light shining through the darkness.


Wanting desperately to beat and pull on the door.
Demanding my right to pass through.


Resenting the window.
Not yet willing to seek what is beyond.


The space in between, the floor.
I stake my claim on a lonely spot.


Destined to stagnation and bitterness.
Caught in the middle.

Infertility ~ My Poems: April 25, 1990

The footnote on this poem says, "Day 14 of cycle, 6 days after second lap (laporoscopy)".

Don't take away what is left of my identity,
I long for a baby, the chance to prove I am truly a woman.
Don't deny me the greatest gift of all.
I yearn to love and care for my own...

This one was written the same day, but the footnote reads "Day 14 of a hopeless cycle..."

How much more can I take?
My smile and cheer is only fake.

How long must I wait?
I'll soon find it's too late.

How much will I endure?
We're not likely to find a cure.

How much more pain?
I have nothing else to gain.

How many more tears?
I've conquered all the fears.

Infertility ~ My poems: April 4, 1990

This happens to be my favorite "infertility" poem that I wrote--I can still remember sitting at my desk at work (Dallas Theological Seminary) and typing this out. It is my first clear memory of applying my understanding that God was sovereign and I was totally dependent upon His mercy and grace--even in the area basic biology. The foot note of this poem says, "Day 20 of yet another cycle"


Rain down your love on me precious Lord,
remind me that your love will sustain me.


Rain down your grace on me precious Lord,
show me that you and you alone are sufficient.


Rain down your joy on me precious Lord,
help me rejoice with others even in my sorrow.


Rain down your peace on me precious Lord,
keep me ever-mindful of your sovereign will.


Rain down your power on me precious Lord,
let me be strong for those in pain.


Rain down your guidance on me precious Lord,
make me realize you are in control--not I.


Rain down your faithfulness on me precious Lord,
cause me to find comfort in who you are.

Infertility ~ My poems: February 1990

Cursed

Cursed with the desire to be a woman
in all its beauty and pain.

Cursed with the desire to be a mother
in all its joy and sorrow.

Cursed with the desire to be what God wants
in all its fulfillment and denial.

Infertility ~ My poems: November 1989

Here are two poems I wrote on November 9, 1989. My footnote at the bottom of one says this, "at the beginning of, yet another month's cycle."

Echoes from those who have traveled this path before me,
Some recent, some long ago, yet fresh in my mind.


Searching for answers, asking God, "why?"
Reaching out for His touch, retreating with nothing.


Avoiding the pain, covering the scars.
Moving on, slowly, wounded, dying inside.


Wishing for resolve, some way to end the pain.
Finding no relief, no cure, no hope.


Travel on, travel on, broken beyond repair.
Smile, persevere, clinging only to a thread.


* * * * * * * *


I'm living a lie!
I hurt, wretched with pain.


I cry, sob uncontrollably.
Scream from deep within.


But no one need know.
No one likes a failure.


Put on a face, put on a show.
That's what the people want.


Suppress the urge to weep.
Avoid the painful.


Smile, cheer others.
While I die inside.


Ignore your intellect.
Trust only your emotions.