Wednesday, August 22, 1990

Infertility ~ My Poems: August 1990

The footnote on this poem reads, "Just found out that the Seminary's (where I worked and hubby was working on his ThM.) new insurance will not cover any infertility medication and treatment..."

Locked Doors & Boarded Up Windows

The door closed, with such finality.
I look for the "window" that all well-meaning Christians pay lip service to.

The window, small and distant.
Only a thread of light shining through the darkness.

Wanting desperately to beat and pull on the door.
Demanding my right to pass through.

Resenting the window.
Not yet willing to seek what is beyond.

The space in between, the floor.
I stake my claim on a lonely spot.

Destined to stagnation and bitterness.
Caught in the middle.


Marcian said...

Demanding my right to pass through.

Yup. Been there.

I was ruminating on your comment in one of these about a greater understanding of God's forebearance. I certainly understand this. As I have gone round and round the circle, I come to rest on just prayer. Prayer for a softened heart toward the circumstance. And yet a prayer for the fulfillment of the request.

The fact of life is that I have a job with a huge responsibility, and while some days it may not matter to me how well I do it, it matters greatly to God, and that needs to be my greatest focus and motivation right now. Oh, but my flesh would have its own way satisfied right now.

Connie said...

marcian: I don't think I've met anyone who has arrived, quickly, smoothly, or 'easily' at a position of real contentment in their circumstances, but I agree with you that prayer is a great place to 'rest'.

You are quite right that " matters greatly to God..." During those 19 yrs. of marriage and childlessness I worked full-time at the only thing I knew and loved--banking. I can even recall telling my boss (Sr. V.P. of the corp.) one day that all I wanted was to have children and stay home--not exactly the best 'career enhancing' plan to share with one's boss--but he was gracious and understanding!